Running Progress as a Metaphor

I ran two full miles on the treadmill today without stopping. I realize that probably doesn't seem like a huge accomplishment, but for me it is. I have always been a terrible runner. Even in the Army, when I was running 6 days a week, I was not much good at it, and never got higher than the middle group (mostly stayed in the slow group the whole 4 years). I did eventually make it to the level of competent runner, and I even ran a couple of 10-milers. But I hated every second of it.

Though this is an accomplishment, I still have a long way to go when it comes to running. Running two miles on a treadmill is way different than running 2 miles outside. Also, I'm sure I couldn't pass a PT test right now - even if it were on a treadmill. I'm that slow. The point is, though, that I'm making some progress. Six weeks ago I couldn't run for more than 3 minutes at a time without stopping to rest.

It's nice to see some progress in the area of endurance, since 5-6 weeks of full time exercise (6-7 times a week, with one day off at least) has resulted in absolutely zero weight loss. I still weigh exactly the same. I know that muscle weighs more than fat, and all that, but really I haven't been building muscle. I've been doing almost all cardio. I've done a full body muscle building workout (mostly squats, lunges, shoulders, pushups, situps / crunches - things I can do with only body weight) several times, but not regularly enough to be building a lot of muscle. Still, I would have thought my body would change some and that I'd lose some fat. Maybe I have - I didn't measure myself before, so I don't really know. My pants don't feel looser, though.

I know it's not something that's going to happen overnight, and I'm willing to put in the time it takes to lose the weight and get healthier. It's just that without results it's difficult to stay motivated - what's the point if I'm going to stay at 190 lbs? That's why it was so encouraging today to be able to run the full two miles. It's progress. It's improvement. It's motivating. Now I can keep going.

It is especially encouraging, because I'm hoping to apply this empowerment metaphorically to my studies. One week from today I'll be taking the Bar Exam in California. I've been studying and working hard all summer, and I still feel unprepared and terrified. BUT, maybe I've gained more endurance than I can feel right now. Maybe I"m not seeing the "weight loss" results, but really, I'm healthier and ready within. I must have learned something this summer, right?

So, with that encouragement, I'm going to take a supplement (a cup of tea) and get to work. I will study in three hour increments to simulate the bar, and I will figure out a way to make all of this information (see picture below) accessible and easy to recall.

Wish me luck on both my running and my studying. This summer has been a marathon as far as studying goes, and I figure I'm at mile 24. It's time for the final push of energy to get me (successfully!) to the finish line.


Everything I need to know for the bar is in this binder. It looks small in this picture, but it's so much information - all of which I need to cram into my brain this week. It's go time!

First Swim of the Summer

Ok, maybe it's not the first time I went swimming. My family came for graduation (YAY!) and we spent the weekend in palm springs laying by, playing in and staring out our windows at the pool. I've also spent some quality time with some friends in a hot tub recently (very therapeutic).

But today I went to the gym and swam - as a workout. It's the first time I've exercised since about mid-January, and it was really nice. I don't know why I always give up on swimming - I suspect it has more to do with giving up on exercise than swimming.

One of my favorite things about swimming is that I can't feel myself sweating. I know I am - especially when I stop for a break and my face is really hot (and it feels amazing to just lean over and put my face in the water). I also love that there are many different movements - I may be just going back and forth in a lane, but I can do freestyle, sidestroke, breaststroke, backstroke or just use feet or just use hands, etc. If I'm on a treadmill, my options are: walk or run. On an elliptical machine, my options are: forwards or backwards.

The point is that though I feel fatter than ever (and I am - check out that weight! It's only 4 pounds less than the most I ever weighed in my life), I also feel better because I am making some small changes. I don't want to do anything drastic. I'm going to take it easy. Today I got in the pool at 1:55 and decided that I would stay in the pool until 2:30. That was my only objective - not to get out. It was nice. As the summer goes on (and as I get in better shape), my workouts will become more structured and lengthier. Also, hopefully as the summer goes on I won't have creepy guys talking to me from the next lane over.

The other thing I want to talk about real quick is a book I'm reading right now. I know this is not my book blog, and I may link this post to my book blog, but the book is more relevant to my weight issues, so I'm writing about it here.

Food, The Good Girl's Drug

By Sunny Sea Gold

Yes, that's her name. The book is about compulsive eating (aka emotional eating, aka about 400 other names). I haven't read the whole thing yet, but the general idea is that as a compulsive eater (which I've now identified myself as - not proud, but admitting the problem is the first step, right?), I have a condition. I'm not lazy or weak or a bad person. There are psychological factors as well as biological factors, but it all adds up to the fact that food becomes the drug. I get anxiety about whether I have snacks around. I don't even need to always be eating them. It's comforting just to know that I have chocolate donuts hidden in the bedroom.

Here's why I bought the book, and why I'm going to spend some serious time with it (as much as I can when I'm done studying for the day each day). I went to a book store the other day. I had an hour to kill and it was right next to where I needed to be. I found this book sitting on a random table, and I picked it up. I read about 4 pages into the first chapter and it hit so close to home that I started crying. In the middle of Barnes & Noble. I was so embarrassed that I put the book down and practically ran out of the store. When I got home that night I promptly ordered it on Amazon because I couldn't stop thinking about it.

Everything this woman says in the first chapter is me. Her behavior - even back to when she was a child and teenager - is so similar to things I've done in my life. It was like looking into a sad mirror. Anyway, I don't have much more to say about the book right now, because I have so much more to read, but I wanted to put it out there. I'll write more about it as I go through it.

Anyways, I'm hopeful and excited about some changes I'm making. I want to reiterate, though that I'm not putting a lot of pressure on myself. I'm not going to weigh in constantly, and I"m not setting goals. I am not going to put any restrictions on my diet other than to say I'll generally eat better. I'm not going to put any goals or requirements on my gym sessions or the number of times I go each week. I'll just go when I can and when I think I need it. While there, I'll do the work and make the trip worth it, but I will not overtax myself and make myself miserable.

Major fail on both goals today. Ha. I had a GIANT bowl of Honeycomb for breakfast. It's impossible to be satisfied on the actual serving size. It's like eating air - deliciously sweet and glorious air. I also drank soda today.

But, for lunch I stuck with a sandwich (meat, cheese, pickles, and some mayo), but it was around 400 calories. Decent. I supplemented it with an apple, and I was full. It's getting close to afternoon snack time, but I've got some strawberries in the fridge that I can have. We're making homemade burgers tonight, which sounds worse than it is. The meat is good quality and low fat. Homemade grilled burgers are nowhere near as many calories as eating one in a restaurant. We also got corn on the cob to go with it. Yum!

I'm about to take a study break and go for a walk - not a long one, but it will be good to get out of the house, get some fresh air and move around a little. Cheers!

Try-ing This Again - One Step at a Time

I can't believe I've still never done a triathlon. Law school has totally kicked my ass. I am extremely sedentary and I eat crap. I've done some sporadic dieting and exercising, but I haven't fully committed to anything because I don't have the time or the energy. I keep thinking that when I'm a big fancy attorney I'll get a personal trainer and things will be better. That way I don't have to think about what I'm doing. I just show up and do as I'm told. I can do that.

But alas, I'm not a big fancy attorney yet, and I'm not going to be anytime soon. And something has to change right now. Today I ate an entire box of macaroni and cheese. I am disgusting. I have an extremely long summer ahead of me in which I will be studying about 10-12 hours a day. That doesn't leave a lot of time for exercising, and it seems like a situation in which it would be easy to eat a lot of fast food or at least unhealthy food from a freezer, full of preservatives. This is a recipe for disaster.

Here's me at Barrister's Ball a couple of weeks ago - about 30 pounds more than I was when I came back from Europe less than 2 years ago.




I can't believe I spent so much time just now trying to find a flattering picture. The whole point of a "before" type picture is to pick a bad one. Besides, they're all bad right now (I'm wearing spanx under that blue dress and it's still bad - look at that chin!). Which is horrible since it's close to graduation and there are a million events where pictures are taken.

I'm not one of those people who eats less when stressed out - I eat more. And I eat worse. Candy, cake, cookies, ice cream, McDonald's, etc. I cannot do that this summer. So I figure I've got to start doing something. For one thing, I'm going to start writing on this blog a lot more. It will be easy, because I'll always be at a computer. I'll always have a few minutes every day to write what I ate, what I did for exercise, what I did right and what I could improve.

Clearly today's downfall was the box of macaroni and cheese. That won't be happening again. While I won't be completely cutting out mac n' cheese (it's one of my favorites, it's cheap and is easy to make when I'm busy), I will promise to eat no more than one serving, and I will supplement my meal with fruit or salad or something else fresh. It's not as bad to eat something like mac n' cheese if I also eat some natural food. I will also do this with whatever other food I eat - I will eat only the suggested serving size.

Also, I think that though it will be extremely difficult, I'm going to try to cut out soda. I drink a lot of it. I always drink diet or Coke Zero or whatever, but it can't be good to be filling my body with so many chemicals. It tastes delicious, and there's nothing quite like that first cold sip of soda - it tingles and it is so refreshing. But it's time to make some tough decisions. When I need caffeine, I will drink tea. When I need carbonation, I'll drink soda water. I have about a 12 pack left at home, and when it's gone, I won't buy more. It's expensive anyway. I'm not saying I won't buy the occasional soda from a machine or something in the future, but I'm going to work hard to cut way down.

So, my first two steps are to only eat one serving size of things (this is going to be most difficult with cereal), and to cut out soda. Let's start with that and see where things go. No need to go crazy with goals right now. The best way for me to fail is to try to take on too much at once - especially at a time when so much other stuff will be going on in my life.

I do have long-term goals, though. First, I will compete in a triathlon sometime in the next year. Second, my dream is to lose 40 pounds. It is possible, but it won't be easy. I was going to use the metaphor of how the only way to eat an elephant is one bite at a time, but that seems really inappropriate for this situation. Instead, I'll use the metaphor of climbing a mountain - it can only be done one step at a time.

Crap

Aerobics again tonight. It's the same class I went to last week, only there was a new teacher. From what I could gather while eavesdropping on the conversations of the regulars, tonight's teacher is the real teacher and last week's was a substitute. What a relief! I thought I was going to have to struggle to keep my feet moving through the most boring coreography in the world again.

Oh wait. Tonight's routine was the same as last week. Boring! But what can you expect from a male step aerobics teacher? But, it still kicked my ass. Until it's boring and I don't feel like passing out at the end of class, then maybe I'll consider something else. For now I'm going to keep it up. Plus the teacher is pretty cool - despite his inability to coreograph.

There's a step aerobics class at 6:00 a.m. on Wednesday at the gym on 19th St. I think I'll give that one a shot. I much prefer working out in the morning. That means I'll have to go to bed early Tuesday night, though. I tried to go last week and it didn't really work out.

But things are going ok. They say the first week is the hardest, but I disagree (and who are they anyways, and how the heck do they know so much). I think it's easy to keep some willpower going the first week. It's the next couple of weeks that count. It's tougher to keep going than it is to start going again after a long break. That's the ultimate goal.

I'm down 5 pounds in one week - to 183. With any luck I'll be in the 170's soon. I can't wait to fit into some of my tighter pants again! I've made myself a chart where I can keep track of my progress, with rewards each time I meet a mini-goal. My first impulse was to reward myself with a nice dinner out - but therein lies one of my problems. I need to stop using food as the centerpiece of every occasion. I use it to celebrate, or to feel bad. I've got to change that habit.

Fat and Happy

It's been pouring for 3 days. I didn't leave Portland for this! Anyways, it makes me want to sit under a blanket on the couch and read - not exercise. I got out a pilates video to try out, but I just don't feel like it. Maybe later.

I'm down to 182.5 today - depsite the fact that I had pizza and cheesecake on Thursday night. So that's awesome.

I don't know what to do with myself. Mike has the car, so I can't go anywhere. I'm not riding my bike in all this rain. I don't want to do my homework, but I know I should.

We have 4 ripe lemons that need to be picked. Maybe I'll make lemonade!

Day Three

While I am still hungry - actually I'm more unsatisfied than I am hungry - the nutrisystem stuff is working. I lost 5 pounds in two days. I'm sure that pace won't be kept up, and I actually hope it slows down.

I rode my bike to school again today, so that's good. However I failed to wake up in time for the aerobics class I was planning on attending this morning. The alarm went off, and I turned it off. I rolled over to get out of bed, and looked at the clock and it was too late - the class had already started. I suck.

I did stay up pretty late, but I'm losing it - I used to be able to get up early. Now it seems like I can't get up until at least 7. I used to be at work by 7 - after going to the gym.

No matter, I'll do something else later - maybe just some pushups and situps or something.